Posted By HR Partnership on October 9, 2009

Photo by Tom Connor via Facebook (Atlantic Ocean as seen from Wildwood, NJ)

by Mike Gruss, The Virginian-Pilot

LET’S PLAY a game: I describe a movie plot, you decide where to shoot the film.

Here we go: There’s this sheriff in Virginia Beach who has a daughter in Virginia Beach who starts dating the son of a woman that the sheriff has had a 20-year affair with in Virginia Beach. Oh. And the sheriff is trying to run for the state Senate from Virginia Beach. It’s a complicated story about families and their pasts.

So. Where should they shoot the movie?

Wait, wait. Before you answer, lemme say the cast is going to be pretty good, too.   Jennifer Connelly, Ed Harris, Amy Madigan. Did I already mention Jennifer Connelly?

Oh, and the movie is called “What’s Wrong With Virginia?” It’s an oh-so-clever play on words. See, it seems they’re talking about the commonwealth, but they’re talking about a crazy woman named Virginia.

What’s that? Hold on. Don’t get out your autograph book or ask Jennifer Connelly to sign your surfboard.

The answer is not Virginia Beach. Sorry. Too obvious. Jennifer Connelly is not coming here. So very, very disappointing.

It’s Holland, Mich.

In a world where movies require viewers to suspend their disbelief, moguls from the Mitten State claim Lake Michigan looks like the Atlantic Ocean.

Mmm, OK. Lake Michigan looks too calm and too treelined to me. Holland’s Tulip Festival doesn’t look like the surfing championship. Its picturesque historic homes don’t match the 1970s and ’80s     architecture that permeates the Beach. Its shops sell wooden shoes, the Beach sells flip-flops.

But don’t blame movie executives for failing geography. They understand math.

Two years ago, I advocated for better movie incentives in Virginia in the name of common sense to avoid problems just like this. Some states, though, are simply star-struck.

Connecticut’s incentive program does not pay for itself. Massachusetts legislators are looking at scaling back their tax credits (ramped up after they lost “John Adams” to Williamsburg), and in Michigan the incentives amount to a ludicrous 42 percent discount. Spend a million dollars, get $420,000 back. Even Michael Moore, he of all things Michigan and whose new film is called “Capitalism: A Love Story,” thinks the high rate is a bad idea.

Maybe in fictional Virginia Beach, there’s money for tax incentives. Maybe if Ed Harris gets elected to the fake state Senate, he can vote for them.

Jeff Frizzell, who heads up the Hampton Roads Film Office, was recently pitching the region at a national conference. He stressed two points: low costs and versatility (beaches, urban areas, the suburbs and just three hours to the nation’s capital if you need any rotunda scenes). Apparently, though, Virginia Beach doesn’t have the   chops to play the demanding role of Virginia Beach.

The folks at the Virginia Film Office said no one ever even talked to them about the movie.

And so, what’s wrong with Virginia? The commonwealth is too cheap for a date with Jennifer Connelly. It’s too reasonable to pay for a strained look from Ed Harris.

I ask the writers to take some creative license and just say it’s Holland, Mich.

Besides, anyone who’s been to Virginia Beach will know that’s not our beach.

The sand looks so much better here.

NOTE from SmartRegion.org Editor:  “What’s Wrong With Virgina,” you ask?  It’s that Virginia Beach’s part is being played by a lakeside in Michigan. There’s even a Facebook Fan Site with pictures and a film locations website tracking the film’s progress. Look anything like Virginia Beach to you?

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Tags: Economy, Hampton Roads, HRFO